Not that I’m big on Christmas or anything but this is one of the shittiest one so far. like usual I went to a friends house for a holiday and. Today I saw what a loving family that cares, talks and has a good communication with each other looks like. To be honest it really brought me down. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t stand swallowing my pride but if I know if I address certain issues shit will only hit the fan. I can’t stand the situations but don’t want to run away either.
got good grades this semester and I have 6 days off work :D now I just new friends =/ fuck this weather.
Your heart is a muscle
A year ago today. I fucked my life over for kicks. I learned a lot in that year. I wanted everything back then that I still want now and thought I was ready. I wasn’t. I was careless and reckless. I did things for the wrong reasons and wasn’t looking out after number one, myself. I didn’t really understand the word struggle. It’s real and those who know it will always have thicker skin than those who don’t. I think I’m ready to go after what I want.
It wasn’t bad, I just had high expectations. For you. Sliced fruits in the morning though were definitely the frosting on my cake. when you walk around in lingerie your peripheral is almost macabre in a sense, it always has been. You’re a predator, a hunter. You say I’m your type. I don’t even know who that is yet. You want a sex prisoner. A deer head for your wall.
I’m Not OK
when y’all guys show me love, I hate you. Cause I don’t like myself so um I got a little catch 22 within my own identity, do you know what I mean? I’m very harsh with you sometimes because I’m very tyrannical. Cause I’m not happy with myself, I don’t care if I live or die, I don’t give a fuck about any of y’all but I do.
life is bleak
I’ve been learning how to observe my mind lately. it feels nice not to worry so much about outcomes and associating who I am with the ego. Never noticed how much I had been taking away from the presence we live in. How is the question not when.. took me awhile to understand. Class starts tomorrow and I have some interesting classes :D, I’m pretty stoked. Work is chill, haven’t had enough time to read though. oh wait time isn’t real. fuck.